First Christmas without Mom and Dad...

I didn't know what to expect this year heading into the holidays, but I knew the first Christmas without mom and dad would land on some level.

Christmas is their Anniversary which adds another layer of absence to the already absent feeling. This year is the 51st Christmas since their wedding and our 1st Christmas without the two of them.  

As I was driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, my mind was lurching and lunging toward their voices.  I paused the podcast I was listening to and went to my voicemails so that I could hear the sound of their love.  

"Hey Jay, it's your dear old dad.  Was thinking about you and wanting to hear how you're doing lately.  Give me a call when you have a minute.  Talk to you later...Love you."

I listened to it over and over again, focusing in a the little intonations and word choices.  One of a kind.

"Hey Jason, this is your mother.  When you have some time I'd like to talk with you to see how your week has been going.  Give me a call.  Love you."

Short, sweet, simple.  Altruistic, pure, tender.  Man, I miss those little conversations that served as wind, sail, keel, and rudder on certain days when my soul felt adrift.

I'm so grateful for the time I had with mom and dad.  I'm even happier to know they are redeemed and whole in heaven with Jesus.

But sometimes I get hit with an inconsolable ache for their presence.  The holidays carry a particular stab of longing and missing.  No matter what I'm doing, I feel them right there beside me.