A long winter of the soul...

I'm finally emerging from a long winter of the soul.

I've been going to grief counseling for the last 4 months and it's been a painful and fruitful journey taking time to tend to my own heart and life.  I've learned things about myself that aren't pleasant to admit, but I've also learned how to be compassionate to myself which is something I've always struggled with.

For some reason, it's easier for me to care for other people than it is myself.  I'm more kind and patient with the stumblings and tumblings of others.  I remind them of all the good around them and try and get them to take their eyes off their shortcomings and to instead speak positively to themselves about their good attributes.  It takes nothing for me to cheer them on and to celebrate the mile markers they are hitting and the small wins they are securing.  But for myself, I'm more demanding and less forgiving.

It's humiliating to feel so weak and lost and numb, especially when I have so much to be thankful for.  But that's just the thing, I couldn't feel any encouragement from my blessings.  I simply couldn't derive joy or fulfillment from the good gifts that were all around me.  I felt aloof and detached because of the pile-on of pain and loss.  In the last few weeks, I'm starting to regain feeling in places that were once numb.  I feel hope and can look forward to the future.  I have gumption to move toward things that need my attention and to offer myself to the situation with a belief that I can help.  There were days where I simply didn't feel like my involvement would contribute anything but more strain and pain.  Slowly, these tendencies are trending upward and onward.

I'm grateful for that.  I'm not out of the clutches of every stranglehold, but I'm making headway.  For a while there I just didn't see any point to it all.  Life seemed bleak. But with every week, I see pink in my extremities, a tingling feeling in my digits...the warmth is filling my veins coursing through my body.  And I feel alive, if only just a little bit.  A little bit can go a long way.