Things I'm processing from Grief Counseling...

I've gone to counseling 3 times in the last three weeks and there are some concepts I'm trying to process and integrate into my day in, day out reality.  There are several descriptors that have stuck with me along the way that I wanted to mention and take a stab at interpreting for myself.  I think my present and future depend on whether these ideas sink deep into my soul.  Some of them I want to push back on, others are welcomed ideas.  Either way, they have helped me put language to my ethereal emotions.  Here are a several of the concepts I'm wrestling with:

People-Pleaser - There is something inside of me that struggles to move on when someone doesn't like me.  I have to learn how to tame this instinct to please people.

Problem-Solving - I see problems and immediately move to get out in front of the problems to solve them.  When life has more problems than I am able to solve, I spiral into despondency.

Loss of Control - When I am unable to fix something causing pain to myself or others, I panic on the inside.  The loss of my parents was the ultimate loss of control.  There was nothing I could do to stop them from dying.  

Anxietize - When I can't fix something or healthily let it go I live in a state of stress and pressure that causes life to feel burdensome and loathsome.  

Depression - The longer I'm alive, I'm accumulating painful experiences that weigh heavy on my spirit sapping my motivation to move forward.  I don't look forward to the future.

Attachment - How do I give love to others?  How do I receive love from others?  Going through the undulations of loss and pain it makes me ponder deeply who my real friends are.  

Existential - Who am I?  Why am I here?  What is my identity?  As I age, I find myself questioning my existence wondering if I'm making any difference or if anything matters.  Meaning is hard to find and feel.

Brutal Acceptance - There's no stopping the pain that life will dish out.  It's imperative that I am honest about the hits and hurts of my life ultimately embracing them as redemptive.  I can't keep fighting to fix everything.

Inner noise - I need to stop listening to myself and start talking to myself.  There is always an inner dialogue, but when it's nothing but an echo chamber of madness, I need to speak kindly to my soul.

Habits of Thinking - A bevy of perceptions and perspectives become the lens through which I look at life and the filter through which I interpret life.  I have thought loops that can have a deadly domino effect on my feelings and behaviors.

Feelings vs. Emotions - I can't control my feelings, but I can control my emotions.  Emotions keep pain alive long after the pain is gone.  I can catastrophize situations instead of feeling them and then moving on. 

Change is Loss - Life and people are always changing.  Every time something changes for the good or bad, there is some measure of loss that will be experienced.  Starting over is necessary at times, but it still takes energy I don't feel like I have.

Abandonment - People leave you.  They just do.  As much as I try to hold things together, people splinter off in different seasons of life for various reasons and it leaves me feeling betrayed. 

There are so many concepts I'm trying to grapple with and understand.  Many of these words I've known for some time, but experiencing them in real life and dealing with the aftermath of emotional hurts that accumulate over time demands looking at them in the eye and being truthful about their presence and side-effects.  These aren't clinical explanations of these words, they are my interpretations as I've talked through them with my counselor.  I may not understand them in their fullness, but I'm beginning a journey of reckoning with each word and coming to terms with my relationship with every one of them.

Finding language for feelings is a good place to start.