This hasn't been a great day...and that's ok.

I woke up and felt off.

I don't know how to explain it, but I can tell when I'm just sideways mentally.  It could be a lack of good sleep, a nagging thought, a lingering sickness, a relational wrinkle, what have you.

All I know is that something wasn't settled inside me.

I should have known this, but it wasn't until I saw the date on my phone that it occurred to me that it was my mom's birthday.  August 19th.  I knew it was coming, but it still came like a thief in the night.  I'm not ok with my dad being gone, but to be honest, my mom's absence affects me way more.  

I was in a movie this past week, Where the Crawdads Sing, and it was an ok movie, I guess.  Nothing to write home about, but there were a couple parts where her mom left or where she had a vision of her mom later in life...and I just started to cry.  I was sitting next to my wife, but she doesn't even know that twice during the movie tears were streaming down my face.  I was wiping them inconspicuously so that she didn't notice.  The storyline wasn't what prompted the emotion, it's just this season that I'm in where out of nowhere I'm seized with an ache I can't deny. 

So that's been on my heart already and mom's birthday only touched a tender nerve that has already been exposed.

But right now the part of the day that is heaviest is my relationships with my family.  

My wife and I are just not firing on all cylinders.  I don't know what's going on, but just when I think we're good, some pin prick explodes another water balloon.  I feel anger and powerless at the same time.  I like solving problems and this is something I just can't troubleshoot and fix.  It's not just today...it's been simmering for a while.  And the feeling of futility is just gutting me today.  I know it will pass in time, but it's exhausting to my soul recently.  

I think one thing that I love about getting older is that I've been here before, so I know it won't last forever.  But it always takes the hard labor of confrontation.  I think we might need some counseling to get some wisdom from outside the woods and weeds of our personal perspectives.  We're cycling back to the same place over and over again, so it feels like one of those times where we need a third party to help us navigate the choppy waters.  I hate that feeling of not being able to do it myself, but I think we need outside assistance.  I've never regretted counseling when we've gotten it, but it just takes a step of admittance and humility to make the call.  I gotta do that today or I will talk myself out of it tomorrow.  So this is me trying to keep myself accountable by saying it out loud.

So it hasn't been a great day, but that's ok.  That's life and life isn't always poppin'.