Do men have friends?

Do men have friends?

It’s a question I’ve been pondering lately.  I see them around other men.  It’s not uncommon to see them enjoying a hobby together.  Nor is it unusual to hear them talking about this or that in conversation.  But I’m not talking about socializing or even fraternizing.  I’m talking about befriending and being befriended.

This certainly involves the aforementioned activities, but it’s easy to stay busy with each other and not really connect on a soul level.  To share happenings, but not thoughts. To share thoughts, but not feelings.  Or maybe feelings, but not values.  Or values, but not beliefs.  Or maybe beliefs, but not secrets.  Or secrets, but not motivations.  Or motivations, but not doubts.  There are layers to us--versions of us.  

I think a good many men either want this or fear this.  These stratums have made us and crippled us in our journey of masculinity.  We are the sum total of our interactions—as brief and shallow, lifelong and deep—with other humans, men and women, both.  But I would contend that, both as boys and as men, we watch other men conduct themselves and construct themselves to find our own way.  We are informed and formed by their words, actions, feelings, and reactions.  Our fathers and their “friends”.  Our absence of fathers and their “friends”.  

If we aren’t fathered by our dads, we watch other men picking up their sons after school, or watching their boy compete, or observing them interact at a nearby restaurant table.  We see what we want to see sometimes, but we undoubtedly see what we see as well.  We keep doing this our whole lives, even though men don’t admit it as much with age.  

When we’re not watching men and their sons all around us, digital dads father us online.  We see other sources of strength we admire or abhor, harnessing their power or abusing it.  We see their smiles or their selfies.  Their muscles or their bass boats. Their teams or their dreams.  We feed on these fathers, perceived or real.  Perception can often be reality.

So this connection to other men is happening underneath all of us.  It may not look it on the exterior, but men are sizing up other men all the time.  They want to know if they are real men.  They want to know what other men think about them as men.  Or they couldn’t care less and are adamantly fine with who and how they are.  They want everyone to know they are ‘that’ strong.  Or they just stay away from other men so no one can weigh in on their manhood one way or another.  They stay nominal.  Left alone with their own thoughts about themselves.  They don’t know if they are doing well or not because they don’t have much to actually compare themselves to.  It’s not much different than “make believe” with imaginary friends, they’ve simply learned to stop talking out loud so it doesn’t draw any unwanted attention.  But they are talking, holding a deep conversation in the board room of their brains.  It suffices for a while, but over time, it’s not sufficient to satiate the thirst for masculine community.  The “iron that sharpens iron”, “the wounds of a friend that are faithful”, “the friend that sticks closer than a brother”, “the great love of a man who lays down his life for his friends”.  So Jesus said, “I no longer call you servants, but I call you friends.”  Yes.

Even Jesus had friends.  And a few of them were invited into the highest and lowest moments of his life.  The Mount of Transfiguration and the Garden of Gethsemane.  Only three friends joined him for these shared moments and memories.  He wanted them to be with him on the mountain, he needed them to be with him in the garden. When they fell asleep on him, he shared his need, “Stay awake with me!”  Bear witness with me, bear burdens with me.  Be WITH me.  This is ‘doing life’ with someone.  Yes, we are alone while we suffer some hurts or experience some “you-had-to-be-there” moments, but then we come together to talk it through, to rehearse it, to ‘share’ it.  

So if anyone feels like they are making too much of it or too little of it, you’re probably right.  Because it’s a frame of reference by which we gauge growth and health, quality of life, really.  It’s not the only thing, nor am I saying it’s the best thing, but it is a critical thing…a primal thing.  

A movement from snorkeling the surface toward getting some scuba gear and doing some deep diving every now and again with some dudes could make us more like Christ, literally.  Cause that’s what he did, that’s what he was like.

And I’m not talking about random relationships that happen to sprout up in a hallway or lobby or basketball game or church gathering.  That’s good and all, but it’s often obligatory socializing.  I’m talking about looking around you, finding somebody, and choosing them.  Cause that’s what Jesus did, too.  He choose some guys to be with more than others.  He picked people.  It sounds exclusive because it is.  It’s friendship.  If everyone is your friend, then no one is.  Everyone can be your neighbor, but not everyone has to be your friends.  The Bible is clear in Proverbs, “A man of many friends comes to ruin.”  But it’s also clear in Ecclesiastes, “I saw a terrible thing under the sun, a man was alone…” So do some scouting, watch for a heart or two or three who is trustworthy, open, generous, fearless, honest, and free…and then ask them in some way, “Do you want to do this thing called life with me?”  It will feel risky.  But nothing worthwhile is safe.  Precious things are rare and rich.  That’s why they have to be pursued, fought for, sacrificed for.  

I think men need friends.  I think we’re missing out on a whole lot when we isolate ourselves and “become our own man”.  Self-made men are a myth.  Every man is fearfully and wonderfully formed and forged by other men, real or fictional. Again, I am not minimizing the role of women in our lives.  They call something out of us, too.  They uniquely contribute to the constitution of our being.  Females have an irreplaceable role in our stories, no doubt.  But they are not men, and we need male friends to be intimate allies with as we face each stage of the masculine journey.  This fraternal intimacy is the missing piece/peace in so many guys these days.  They are starving for shared story.  That’s my humble observation. 

This is my attempt at a “friendly” reminder.