Tay's audition and overcoming fear...

Something powerful happened this past week.

Taylor has been getting ready for her auditions for the Lowell Spring Musical, Freaky Friday.  

When I say getting ready, she has been memorizing the three songs she has to perform and then belting them out at home when no one else is at the house.  One night, Heidi and I came home after our date night and I could tell her voice was a little hoarse because she had been pushing her vocal chords to the brink.  The songs she has to sing are anything but easy.

But the powerful happening I referred to earlier isn’t the fact that she is auditioning or practicing, I expected that.  The thing that caught me by surprise and moved me to the marrow came when I jokingly said: “Well, now you’ll have to perform it in front of your mom and me.”  I expected her to say, “No way!”, but instead, she said she would after we put the boys down for bed.  I still didn’t think it would happen.

But it did.

Heidi and I sat on the couch and she played the background tracks on my computer.  When she opened her mouth and sang, my jaw about hit the floor.  She wasn’t just casually singing the song, she was getting into character and belting out the melody like a Broadway performer.  

She was nervous and her voice a little shaky, but she giggled through parts where she stumbled on the words and shook her head in embarrassment when she would miss a note here or there.  One of the songs was really difficult and she had to sing certain parts in falsetto, which you could tell made her uncomfortable.

But she pressed through the discomfort.  

As she finished, she sat next to the fireplace somewhat dejected.  Heidi asked her how she felt and she burst into tears.  The tension inside of her just had to come out and she proceeded to share with us that she was really, really scared of the audition.  She went onto explain that last year she was so afraid when she walked into front of the judges that her knees were shaking.  She cried as she described the humiliation and how she was fearful that it would happen again.  I hadn’t heard this story before, at least not the fully story spoken with unadulterated, unfiltered emotion.

It made me so proud of her.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of her in my whole life.  Something about being petrified by something and doing it regardless touches a place in me that makes me pretty emotional.  I relate to it and I hope to be that way as a person until the day I die.  But it’s not easy.

Her sisters are home from college and yesterday she needed some time and space to practice by herself at the house, so Heidi took Kami and the boys to the YMCA and I took Aly (who just sprained her ankle coming down the stairs) to Starbucks.  We gave her about an hour and a half to have the house to herself so she could practice without any self-consciousness.  

Last night, after we put the boys to bed, she agreed to perform the songs in front of her mom and I as well as her sisters.  I would have never done it in a million years, but she told me that if she could do it in front of her family, she felt it would be easier to do it in front of the judges.  To see her challenge herself with ever greater fears so that what scared her last year wouldn’t cause as much fear this year is just mindboggling and, frankly, convicting for me.  It’s been fun to watch, but it’s also been an example of profound courage to me the last week and a half.

Today she has her auditions after school and I took a moment this morning to send her a note letting her know that I was praying for her.

“I just wanted you to know that I was praying for you this morning as you go into auditions after school.  I feel like you’re ready.  As I’ve said to you before, I’m so proud of you for working hard and pressing through the fear coming off of last year, so much so that you performed it in front of mom and I and then in front of everyone last night.  That is gutsy.  That is bravery.  That is who you are…one of the strongest and most courageous people I know overcoming so much in your life and choosing hard things because you know it’s best.  Taking risks because you know that everything you want is on the other side of risk.  This has been one of the most surprising lessons you’ve taught me the last couple weeks as I’ve watched you practice and listened to you share how deep the anxiety is…and then watching you walk toward it anyhow.  That’s strength.  I feel like you’ve modeled to me something that I want to keep living out.  Faith in the face of Fear.  I love you and look up to you.”

I wanted to make sure I wrote this down so that I never forget this moment in her transformative journey.  It’s amazing when you sit back and watch your kids do things that you could never  have predicted them doing.  It’s a testament to their overcoming power and God’s overcoming power at work in them.