New Doctor...New Dosage...New Day...

I had an abrupt wake up call a couple weeks back.

I switched my primary care doctor since he’d be retiring soon and had my first appointment with my new doctor.  I could feel a little restlessness surfacing as I drove to over Ada. I think my subconscious knew that this transition would force me to retell my story and reevaluate my medications that for almost 9 years have been pretty dialed in, a comfortable friend and a friendly comfort for my soul.  I had become adept at medically managing my anxiety; making the best of the worst, so to speak.

That was about to be thrown into disarray.

As I answered questions the doctor was asking about my backstory, she was scanning my medical history and I could see her squinting her eyes and furrowing her brow just a bit.  Like she was confused or concerned.

She asked if I was experiencing any side effects and interestingly enough, I had just told Heidi a couple weeks earlier that I was beginning to experience memory loss here and there.  I’m not talking about forgetting long-term memories; I’m talking about knowing a person really well for years and completely blanking on their name. Disconcerting at first, scary after it happens more frequently.  I almost didn’t want to tell her, but I knew I needed to.  It was like admitting that I was weaker than was already thought.  Not only was I weak, I was now weaker.  How much strength can you give away until you’re only seen as weak.  This is my internal dialogue anyway.

The minute I started sharing about my memory issues, she looked up at me and said, “That’s something that this combination of medicines causes after a few years and you’ve been on this for almost 9 years.  You should have been weaned off from this a long time ago and either switched to another anxiety medicine that doesn’t have long term side-effects or slowly lowering your dosage to eventually get off of medication altogether.”  My heart was racing as she spoke with certitude and concern.  She said, “You are experiencing was a 60 year old might experience with aging.  We need to begin to make changes immediately.”

She said that she would keep me on what I was used to, but that I was to begin decreasing my dosage little by little over the course of three weeks to move toward on a “new path”. 

I started dialing back, and got a new medication she prescribed, but immediately the side-effects kicked in and knocked me on my butt.  I was sick in bed that night with a migraine the likes of which I’d never experienced before mixed with nausea and dizziness that made it difficult for me to walk.  I also was fidgety and nervous as my heart was racing and pounding under my rib cage, which isn’t normal for me.  My body was reacting horribly to the new prescription and as I looked online to see the potential side-effects, I was seeing horror stories from many people who were describing exactly what I was going through.  I called the doctor and said, “Yeah, this isn’t going to work, so we’re going to have to figure out a new plan, but until then, how long does this stay in your body…like, how long am I going to be sick like this?”  She said that it would take two days for it to subside, which was just in time for me to speak that weekend in church.  I was imagining being sick while I talked about “going through different seasons” from Eccl. 3…it wasn’t going to happen without me passing out up on stage.

But this was all part of the journey.  It’s those sorts of things that make me feel like I could live with a tight chest as long as I’m not deathly sick.  It made me want to pull away from these drugs to see what my body really needed and what was a placebo.  Something about the memory loss and the rejection of my body to the other prescription gave me a new will power to make a difficult change.

The last couple weeks I have cut back to 1/3 of what I was taking before along with cutting out all caffeine which is an accelerant only making my anxiety worse.  So, needless to say, my withdrawals started to kick in as I robbed my body of things it was reliant on and used to.  For 7 days I had migraines each day.  One day in particular, I was sweaty, nauseous, dizzy, and filled with intense anxiety that was nearly debilitating.  But I kept fighting through the withdrawals and sticking to the program.  I knew things needed to change and this was my chance.  I trusted the doctor and the advice of others who had gone through similar things when they weaned off meds.  It was going to get much worse before it got much better.

Long story less long, I’m having less headaches and the ones I have are less intense.  My body is regulating to the new norms after a couple weeks and I’m feeling decent even though I’m taking 1/3 of the meds that I took before.  That is hope.  It’s not over.  I’m not fixed.  But I feel like I’m on a new pathway of renewal.  I’m ready for this change even if it comes with some struggle and difficulty.

I’m set to go to my doctor again next week to give an update and get my marching order for 2020.  I’m hoping to continue to gain strength and for my body to find a new homeostasis heading into the future.  I know I need God and his freedom and healing, but I also know that I need to face this dragon and slay it, whatever that means or entails.

So here’s to a new adventure heading into 2020.  I really want to be free.  But whatever God wills is what I want, so I’ll follow his lead even if it means suffering.