"I wanna be a leader, not a liar."
It's not a really complicated parenting story.
I heard one of my sons scream just outside the front door and I moved toward the commotion. Commotion is so common that there are seriously times I've tuned it out. Something horrendous could be occurring and my brain has selectively shut out screaming and frantic behaviors...even the ones that should trigger me.
So anyway, back to the mayhem in the front yard.
When I walked outside Josh was yelling about his sandal being on the garage roof. It didn't get there by itself though I think they still believe I would buy that story. I started interrogating them and Josh said that Caleb threw it on the roof.
"No, I didn't!"
The words came out of his mouth almost before Josh made the accusation. I knew it was true for a list of reasons not the least of which was his face that gave it away. Josh reaffirmed that Caleb thew it on the roof emphatically.
"Yes, he did. He threw it up there!"
I turned to Caleb and spoke to him before he could expand on his lie...
"I am going to give you one chance to tell me the truth, so before you try to make up a story or shift blame or make excuses, just tell me--did you throw his sandal on the roof?"
He sheepishly said yes and I told him to grab a spanking spoon and head to his room. Which he did with weeping and gnashing of teeth.
I waited a bit and then went up to follow through with his discipline.
As we sat on the bed, I tried to talk through what he did and why he always seemed to revert to lying before even thinking. I told him that most of the time I can tell when he's lying even though he thinks I would never know. I tried to share with him the things that he does that are easy tells...(I guess this could make him better at playing poker now that I think about it, but I'm hoping it just shows him how lies stand out and are easy to detect.)
We talked about how he justifies his lies sometimes by saying things like...
"But, I didn't mean it..." In his mind he feels that if he was just throwing the shoe in air for fun and it happened to land on the roof, he didn't throw it on the roof...he only threw it in the air. Because his intention wasn't to deliberately throw it on the roof, so that means to him that he didn't do it. Crazy mad skills in abstract thinking at the ripe age of 6.
"But, it wasn't my fault..." This one is employed all the time. There is always an excuse and someone to blame even if he was the one who carried out the deed. It's almost like he didn't have a choice because other players were involved.
"But, they did it first..." I can't believe how often this takes away the guilt of offender. If there action was simply a reaction, reactions shouldn't get punished...only actions. It's a clever way to justify behavior, but two wrongs don't make a right as my parents always used to say.
Anyway, we went through each of these scenarios and I talked to him about how none of these things justify disobedience, especially lying. I tried to tell him that there is nothing naughty he could do that is as bad a lying. I would rather him just tell me what he did wrong than to lie about it. I tried to let him know that lying gets the worst punishment and leads to the strictest consequences.
I told him that I wanted to have a close relationship with him, but that it is almost impossible to have a good relationship with someone who lies because you can't trust them. I told him that I wanted to trust him so that we could have a great father/son relationship...he said he wanted that, too. I wanted to believe him when he said something happened or didn't happen.
We talked through how important it is to tell me what actually happened...to not leave any little bit out or to add any little bit in. That's lying, too. I said that if I asked him how many shows he had watched on Netflicks and he said one and he really watched two, what should tell me if he's telling the truth. "Two" he said. "Why?" I said. "Because I really watched two, not one." "Exactly." That is the truth even if we said he could only watch one and he watched two, we want him to tell us what he actually did, not what he wished he did or knew we wanted him to do. So that would be him lying by leaving out things.
But I also said you could add things and lie. I asked him: "Now if you caught three fish and I asked you how many fish you caught and you said five, how many fish did you catch?" "Three fish." he said. "That's correct. But what makes a person want to say five even if it's only really three?" I pressed in. "Well, well...I guess it feels better to say more." he said honestly. "You're right, it can feel better to try and make yourself look better to others by making up things that didn't happen, but that is lying, too. Understand?" "Yeah."
I told him that I wanted him to be trustworthy as a man. I wanted people to be able to count on him and for him to be strong and dependable. I told him that there aren't a lot of men like that, but that I wanted him to be that kind of man. Then I pivoted to leadership...
"Caleb, I want you to be a leader, but liars aren't good leaders."
He looked at me as I said that phrase. I could tell he could sense it kinda rhymed.
"I wanna be a leader, not a liar." The phrase came out of my mouth and so I asked him to say it with me. He smirked and we said it three times together.
"I wanna be a leader, not a liar."
"I wanna be a leader, not a liar."
"I wanna be a leader, not a liar."
With each layer of our conversation, I was seeing him soften and receive correction. I don't know how to explain it, but you can tell when you children are just going through the motions or really engaging what you're trying to impart. He was locked in.
I'm not saying he will forever be changed by that one conversation, but these are the moments in parenting that take more time, but bear more fruit. Spanking them can sometimes be the easy way out. It's more transactional and less transformational if it's devoid of deeper conversation and connection.
I reached over for the spanking spoon and he braced himself for what was to come. I grabbed the spoon and looked at him and said, "I'm not going to spank you today, buddy. I think you learned your lesson. Just try to remember it the next time you're tempted to lie."
He smiled and gave me a hug. We walked downstairs together and moved into the evening as a family. I could tell he was more conscious that night with his actions and reactions.
Sometimes you get done with a day and you think to yourself: "That felt right and that felt good." Last night was one of those nights where I laid my head on the pillow and felt that feeling.
I heard one of my sons scream just outside the front door and I moved toward the commotion. Commotion is so common that there are seriously times I've tuned it out. Something horrendous could be occurring and my brain has selectively shut out screaming and frantic behaviors...even the ones that should trigger me.
So anyway, back to the mayhem in the front yard.
When I walked outside Josh was yelling about his sandal being on the garage roof. It didn't get there by itself though I think they still believe I would buy that story. I started interrogating them and Josh said that Caleb threw it on the roof.
"No, I didn't!"
The words came out of his mouth almost before Josh made the accusation. I knew it was true for a list of reasons not the least of which was his face that gave it away. Josh reaffirmed that Caleb thew it on the roof emphatically.
"Yes, he did. He threw it up there!"
I turned to Caleb and spoke to him before he could expand on his lie...
"I am going to give you one chance to tell me the truth, so before you try to make up a story or shift blame or make excuses, just tell me--did you throw his sandal on the roof?"
He sheepishly said yes and I told him to grab a spanking spoon and head to his room. Which he did with weeping and gnashing of teeth.
I waited a bit and then went up to follow through with his discipline.
As we sat on the bed, I tried to talk through what he did and why he always seemed to revert to lying before even thinking. I told him that most of the time I can tell when he's lying even though he thinks I would never know. I tried to share with him the things that he does that are easy tells...(I guess this could make him better at playing poker now that I think about it, but I'm hoping it just shows him how lies stand out and are easy to detect.)
We talked about how he justifies his lies sometimes by saying things like...
"But, I didn't mean it..." In his mind he feels that if he was just throwing the shoe in air for fun and it happened to land on the roof, he didn't throw it on the roof...he only threw it in the air. Because his intention wasn't to deliberately throw it on the roof, so that means to him that he didn't do it. Crazy mad skills in abstract thinking at the ripe age of 6.
"But, it wasn't my fault..." This one is employed all the time. There is always an excuse and someone to blame even if he was the one who carried out the deed. It's almost like he didn't have a choice because other players were involved.
"But, they did it first..." I can't believe how often this takes away the guilt of offender. If there action was simply a reaction, reactions shouldn't get punished...only actions. It's a clever way to justify behavior, but two wrongs don't make a right as my parents always used to say.
Anyway, we went through each of these scenarios and I talked to him about how none of these things justify disobedience, especially lying. I tried to tell him that there is nothing naughty he could do that is as bad a lying. I would rather him just tell me what he did wrong than to lie about it. I tried to let him know that lying gets the worst punishment and leads to the strictest consequences.
I told him that I wanted to have a close relationship with him, but that it is almost impossible to have a good relationship with someone who lies because you can't trust them. I told him that I wanted to trust him so that we could have a great father/son relationship...he said he wanted that, too. I wanted to believe him when he said something happened or didn't happen.
We talked through how important it is to tell me what actually happened...to not leave any little bit out or to add any little bit in. That's lying, too. I said that if I asked him how many shows he had watched on Netflicks and he said one and he really watched two, what should tell me if he's telling the truth. "Two" he said. "Why?" I said. "Because I really watched two, not one." "Exactly." That is the truth even if we said he could only watch one and he watched two, we want him to tell us what he actually did, not what he wished he did or knew we wanted him to do. So that would be him lying by leaving out things.
But I also said you could add things and lie. I asked him: "Now if you caught three fish and I asked you how many fish you caught and you said five, how many fish did you catch?" "Three fish." he said. "That's correct. But what makes a person want to say five even if it's only really three?" I pressed in. "Well, well...I guess it feels better to say more." he said honestly. "You're right, it can feel better to try and make yourself look better to others by making up things that didn't happen, but that is lying, too. Understand?" "Yeah."
I told him that I wanted him to be trustworthy as a man. I wanted people to be able to count on him and for him to be strong and dependable. I told him that there aren't a lot of men like that, but that I wanted him to be that kind of man. Then I pivoted to leadership...
"Caleb, I want you to be a leader, but liars aren't good leaders."
He looked at me as I said that phrase. I could tell he could sense it kinda rhymed.
"I wanna be a leader, not a liar." The phrase came out of my mouth and so I asked him to say it with me. He smirked and we said it three times together.
"I wanna be a leader, not a liar."
"I wanna be a leader, not a liar."
"I wanna be a leader, not a liar."
With each layer of our conversation, I was seeing him soften and receive correction. I don't know how to explain it, but you can tell when you children are just going through the motions or really engaging what you're trying to impart. He was locked in.
I'm not saying he will forever be changed by that one conversation, but these are the moments in parenting that take more time, but bear more fruit. Spanking them can sometimes be the easy way out. It's more transactional and less transformational if it's devoid of deeper conversation and connection.
I reached over for the spanking spoon and he braced himself for what was to come. I grabbed the spoon and looked at him and said, "I'm not going to spank you today, buddy. I think you learned your lesson. Just try to remember it the next time you're tempted to lie."
He smiled and gave me a hug. We walked downstairs together and moved into the evening as a family. I could tell he was more conscious that night with his actions and reactions.
Sometimes you get done with a day and you think to yourself: "That felt right and that felt good." Last night was one of those nights where I laid my head on the pillow and felt that feeling.
Comments
Post a Comment