Irritability...
The last several days I've felt short on patience and quick to anger.
Almost anything seems to get under my skin. A drawer that gets caught because it's overpacked. My boys not hearing me when I give a directive. A new stain on the carpet because our carpet was the worst decision we ever made in the home building process. A walk outside to where the blackcaps are only to find that something ate them the night before. A fire that I built on a night that is too hot to enjoy it. Another noise coming from under the hood of my piece of junk car. Another bill in the mail for a simple doctor's visit that turned into a series of procedures that cost more with every "next step". The Yankees losing a game in extra innings. My lawn basically dying for lack of rain. The boys losing their newest toy somewhere in the woods that they just got the day before. The girls with their heads buried in the phones. The humidity. Blah, blah, blah...
In seasons like this I can find something to kvetch about almost everywhere I look. I feel like I'm in quick sand and the more I struggle to get out, the worse my plight seems to get. I can even know it's unjustified compared to the enormous blessings that surround me, but for some reason that mental trick hasn't helped me change course. I've said, "If I can just sleep it off, I'll wake up tomorrow with a new lease on life." But like this morning, I wake with an ache. My defenses are weak and my weapons to attack life with vigor quite dull.
I met with a ministry coach last week and we were talking about some indicators of depression and anxiety. He was sharing with me the season when he burnt out in ministry and when depression descended on him like a dementor. After years of soul work and counseling, he has pressed through and conquered many of those soul-killing emotions that would beset him. But he said he still has to keep his finger on the pulse of his life to make sure he stays in a "good place".
I asked him what he notices when he's slipping into a dark place. He mentioned a few things.
#1 - Loss of joy in the things that normally fill his tank.
#2 - His disciplines are all out of sorts.
#3 - Irritability.
When he stated the third one, I made a mental note. The other ones I'd heard before and felt before, but I don't know as if I'd ever looked for irritability as a symptom of anxiety. I suppose it's because I usually find myself just getting quiet and withdrawing when I feel the walls closing in. I haven't necessarily pinned this word to seasons of being down...but boy, oh boy, have I noticed it this past weekend. I felt so on edge. I was a water balloon looking for a pin. A trap looking for anything to trigger me. Sudden noises would make me clench my jaw. Sudden movements or hyperactivity would make me want to come unglued. Crazy.
I went on a walk with Heidi yesterday and at one point in our walk I told her what I was feeling. I used the word 'negativity' to describe it. I felt so full of negativity that it had crowded out almost any other emotion seeking occupation. Everything I heard or saw seemed to be interpreted through the lens of pessimism. I was a heat-seeking missile of cynicism, critical to beat the band. As we talked about it together, I felt a bit of the weight of it lift. That's what I love about having a comrade in marriage...we can fight off things together.
Anyway, I just thought I'd try to put words to this spell I've been under recently. It's weird because the weather has been amazing and my life has really been relatively peaceful...but the attack on my spirit has been vicious.
So part of writing is fighting for me. When I write the feelings, I fight the feelings. Putting things into words brings both a release of imprisonment and the ability to take things captive. To subdue and to set free. I get to separate my flesh and spirit, and to name things instead of leaving them nebulous. As I write things and talk things out, I usually find an empowerment to rise above the fray.
And that is my prayer as I start July 9th, 2018.
Almost anything seems to get under my skin. A drawer that gets caught because it's overpacked. My boys not hearing me when I give a directive. A new stain on the carpet because our carpet was the worst decision we ever made in the home building process. A walk outside to where the blackcaps are only to find that something ate them the night before. A fire that I built on a night that is too hot to enjoy it. Another noise coming from under the hood of my piece of junk car. Another bill in the mail for a simple doctor's visit that turned into a series of procedures that cost more with every "next step". The Yankees losing a game in extra innings. My lawn basically dying for lack of rain. The boys losing their newest toy somewhere in the woods that they just got the day before. The girls with their heads buried in the phones. The humidity. Blah, blah, blah...
In seasons like this I can find something to kvetch about almost everywhere I look. I feel like I'm in quick sand and the more I struggle to get out, the worse my plight seems to get. I can even know it's unjustified compared to the enormous blessings that surround me, but for some reason that mental trick hasn't helped me change course. I've said, "If I can just sleep it off, I'll wake up tomorrow with a new lease on life." But like this morning, I wake with an ache. My defenses are weak and my weapons to attack life with vigor quite dull.
I met with a ministry coach last week and we were talking about some indicators of depression and anxiety. He was sharing with me the season when he burnt out in ministry and when depression descended on him like a dementor. After years of soul work and counseling, he has pressed through and conquered many of those soul-killing emotions that would beset him. But he said he still has to keep his finger on the pulse of his life to make sure he stays in a "good place".
I asked him what he notices when he's slipping into a dark place. He mentioned a few things.
#1 - Loss of joy in the things that normally fill his tank.
#2 - His disciplines are all out of sorts.
#3 - Irritability.
When he stated the third one, I made a mental note. The other ones I'd heard before and felt before, but I don't know as if I'd ever looked for irritability as a symptom of anxiety. I suppose it's because I usually find myself just getting quiet and withdrawing when I feel the walls closing in. I haven't necessarily pinned this word to seasons of being down...but boy, oh boy, have I noticed it this past weekend. I felt so on edge. I was a water balloon looking for a pin. A trap looking for anything to trigger me. Sudden noises would make me clench my jaw. Sudden movements or hyperactivity would make me want to come unglued. Crazy.
I went on a walk with Heidi yesterday and at one point in our walk I told her what I was feeling. I used the word 'negativity' to describe it. I felt so full of negativity that it had crowded out almost any other emotion seeking occupation. Everything I heard or saw seemed to be interpreted through the lens of pessimism. I was a heat-seeking missile of cynicism, critical to beat the band. As we talked about it together, I felt a bit of the weight of it lift. That's what I love about having a comrade in marriage...we can fight off things together.
Anyway, I just thought I'd try to put words to this spell I've been under recently. It's weird because the weather has been amazing and my life has really been relatively peaceful...but the attack on my spirit has been vicious.
So part of writing is fighting for me. When I write the feelings, I fight the feelings. Putting things into words brings both a release of imprisonment and the ability to take things captive. To subdue and to set free. I get to separate my flesh and spirit, and to name things instead of leaving them nebulous. As I write things and talk things out, I usually find an empowerment to rise above the fray.
And that is my prayer as I start July 9th, 2018.
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