How to affair-proof your marriage...

Lately, I've been meeting with a few couple in crisis.  Each situation centers around infidelity and the unique, yet common path toward an affair.  Some aspects of each relationship are different, but the plot is eerily similar.

Here's the common thread that I've noticed...

The Subtle Stages of An Affair:

1. Feeling like you’re under-appreciated and overlooked

2. Sensing a dissatisfaction or an emotional vulnerability

3. Loss of verbal communication and sexual connection 

4. Fantasizing about relational or romantic encounters with others

5. Overly friendly (flirtatious) behavior around opposite sex

6. Seeking out attention and affirmation from the opposite sex

7. Sharing with them disappointment with your current marriage

8. Getting specific with them about unmet needs and nagging frustrations.

9. Feeling like they listen to and relate to you…they understand and care

10. Going out of your way to have more contact with them

11. Letting them know that they make you feel special and valued.

12. (Waiting to see if they reciprocate emotional attraction)

13. If they do, making a bold move either physically or verbally.

14. Playfully talking about what you wish could happen with them

15. Setting up times to get together outside normal rhythms of life

16. The romance moves from emotional to verbal to physical to sexual.

17. The physical act of sex occurs and the last of a thousand lines is crossed.

The Enemy is Painfully Patient in his Schemes.  In fact, his favorite verse is also John 10:10.  It’s his life verse, at least the first half, “The enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy.”  We tend to like the second half of the verse, “Christ has come that we might have life and life more abundantly.”  But the enemy is hellbent on patiently leading us toward destruction…

The Patient Tactics of the Enemy...

1. Deception

2. Distraction

3. Disruption

4. Desperation

5. Destruction

So what can we do to fight against this pervasive attack on marriage?  I’m glad you asked.  Here are some things that we’ve found to be vital in feeding our marriage to keep it passionate and compassionate: 

How to fight for an affair-proof marriage:

1. Keep dating each other regularly. Make time…sacred scheduling.

2. Keep focusing on meeting the other person’s needs.

3. Keep being honest about your own unmet desires.

4. Keep saying, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, will you forgive me?”

5. Keep your priorities: 1. God  2. Soul  3. Spouse  4. Kids  5. Etc.

6. Keep sensitive to sin, practicing radical amputation when tempted.

7. Keep surrendering rights, starving egos, serving needs…sacrifice.

8. Keep meeting with an accountability partner who asks hard questions

9. Keep following the truth no matter how you feel in the moment. Trust God's truth.

I hope some of these things are helpful observations that may prevent this from happening in someone's life out there.