Thoughts on my Sabbatical. (A year later)...
It was a year ago this week that I had the privilege of taking a 3-month Sabbatical from ministry to focus on my own soul...its health, its rhythms, its dreams, its needs. It was life changing.
Just this past week I was thinking about the things in my life that shifted during that season and the lasting effects of that time away to find orientation and alignment for my deep heart. These are a few of the things that came to mind...
- I begin my day differently now. Instead of picking up my phone and scrolling through my facebook newsfeed or the trending news, I read the Word to catch the wind of God's Spirit, God's Will, and God's Heart for my life. That mindset at the outset of the day transforms my perspective and perceptions.
- I have been faithful to write again. Sometimes I will write on something God is showing me, other times I will write on something that I've observed about life or witnessed in my family. It doesn't really matter what I write on as long as I write...it does something for my soul to capture my story and to memorialize moments. I lost that along the way and it's enriching to reclaim that joy.
- I have worked out at the YMCA at least 5 times a week since this week last year. After 43 years there was something inside me that told me that it didn't matter that I didn't take care of my body, that my glory days were behind me and that my strength couldn't be summoned. But the way my vigor has returned surprised me. I'm in the best shape of my entire life and the way taking care of myself physically bolsters my psychology is crazy. The body and soul need each other to be healthy.
- I have noticed that I don't sweat the small stuff like I used to. I used to get buried in a burden that was fleeting and it would weigh so heavily on me rendering me almost useless. I've been able to shed shame, deflect doubt, and fight fear with so much more effectiveness. I'm taking a long view of things realizing that usually my obsessing over something does very little to change it. God alone has the power to "care and carry" life's daily burdens...so I try to cast each one on him immediately. I'm not perfect, but being perfected by his power.
- I have a deeper appreciation for each member of my family. They each have unique snowflake-souls, and I am able to notice the distinctions of how God made each one and thank God for their peculiarities and personalities...instead of seeing the things I wish were different, I am able to celebrate the differences as diverse colors that make for a beautiful family tapestry...when you look for the good in life it's amazing how good life can be. The opposite is also true.
- I have a better friendship with my wife and my appreciation for her has grown exponentially. I thought I knew how blessed I was to have her as my companion in this journey of life, but since taking that trip to Italy together last summer, I have noticed the details and delicacies of her heart that were custom-made to synch up with me. She is an awesome mother and lover and her self-sacrifice is so evident to me know...no greater love has anyone than when one lays down their life for others...this describes the whole of her existence.
- I remember being fixated on numbers toward the end of last spring...it was paralyzing. "How many" and "How much" on the back of bulletin felt like a grade card of sorts for me. Depending on how things were trending, I was either failing or failing miserably. I couldn't feel anything but shortcomings and shortfalls. Even if things were good, my mind would bend toward the unsustainability of it all, leading to my eventual demise. I'm a leader, so I have to think about spreadsheets and to lead in such a way that things are solvent and sustainable, but again, I took things to heart in such unhealthy ways and I was unable to see God's blessings though they were teeming all around me. I can separate myself these days so much easier from the numbing nature of numbers. It's so freeing.
- I trust God more. I know that sounds so trite, but I don't know how else to say it. I thought I trusted God, but looking back, I was seeking a control of things that are simply unknowns and unknowables to be approached with faith in God. I didn't like faith, I wanted certainty and clarity...so my bent was to "make things happen" if they weren't happening and my threshold of 'waiting on God' was little to nil. This posture of 'playing god' is self-destructive because we aren't meant to take that place or platform. Enthroning God and dethroning myself has been such a relief. Words can't express the peace that accompanies trusting God.
- I have reclaimed my passion for nature. I have spent more time in the woods in the last year than the 5 years prior. I have been cutting wood and reveling in that pastime that I used to enjoy with my father when I was a boy. I have been climbing trees, taking walks, soaking in the beauty of sunrises and sunsets, and sitting by the creek behind my house. The sights, smells, and sounds of nature oxygenate my heart...it's staggering the nutrients that are poured into my soul when I spend time in God's creation and let it get to me.
- I have found my love for God's Word and for people restored with a fearsome force. After 21 years of ministry my love for my calling was being called into question, mostly by my own heart, and the Sabbatical put those questions to rest as I felt the rush of my passion for ministry return. It's easy to wonder if you love God, His Word, and people or if you only feign those things because it's your job...there was some doubt there that was cast out of me as I felt the Jesus "restore to me the joy of my salvation" as well as the "joy of my calling'.
Those are some things that come to mind this morning. I'm sure there are so many more things that were altered over the past year due to my Sabbatical, but these are key transformations. Even to write them down this morning on my day off feels cathartic, cleansing. It reminds me that I'm a child of God, he loves me deeply, and that I don't work for his approval, I work from it.
As God my Father spoke so clearly into my heart this time last year, I still hear his voice today...
"You're my boy and you're a good boy."
I live out of that place now and it's changed everything.
Just this past week I was thinking about the things in my life that shifted during that season and the lasting effects of that time away to find orientation and alignment for my deep heart. These are a few of the things that came to mind...
- I begin my day differently now. Instead of picking up my phone and scrolling through my facebook newsfeed or the trending news, I read the Word to catch the wind of God's Spirit, God's Will, and God's Heart for my life. That mindset at the outset of the day transforms my perspective and perceptions.
- I have been faithful to write again. Sometimes I will write on something God is showing me, other times I will write on something that I've observed about life or witnessed in my family. It doesn't really matter what I write on as long as I write...it does something for my soul to capture my story and to memorialize moments. I lost that along the way and it's enriching to reclaim that joy.
- I have worked out at the YMCA at least 5 times a week since this week last year. After 43 years there was something inside me that told me that it didn't matter that I didn't take care of my body, that my glory days were behind me and that my strength couldn't be summoned. But the way my vigor has returned surprised me. I'm in the best shape of my entire life and the way taking care of myself physically bolsters my psychology is crazy. The body and soul need each other to be healthy.
- I have noticed that I don't sweat the small stuff like I used to. I used to get buried in a burden that was fleeting and it would weigh so heavily on me rendering me almost useless. I've been able to shed shame, deflect doubt, and fight fear with so much more effectiveness. I'm taking a long view of things realizing that usually my obsessing over something does very little to change it. God alone has the power to "care and carry" life's daily burdens...so I try to cast each one on him immediately. I'm not perfect, but being perfected by his power.
- I have a deeper appreciation for each member of my family. They each have unique snowflake-souls, and I am able to notice the distinctions of how God made each one and thank God for their peculiarities and personalities...instead of seeing the things I wish were different, I am able to celebrate the differences as diverse colors that make for a beautiful family tapestry...when you look for the good in life it's amazing how good life can be. The opposite is also true.
- I have a better friendship with my wife and my appreciation for her has grown exponentially. I thought I knew how blessed I was to have her as my companion in this journey of life, but since taking that trip to Italy together last summer, I have noticed the details and delicacies of her heart that were custom-made to synch up with me. She is an awesome mother and lover and her self-sacrifice is so evident to me know...no greater love has anyone than when one lays down their life for others...this describes the whole of her existence.
- I remember being fixated on numbers toward the end of last spring...it was paralyzing. "How many" and "How much" on the back of bulletin felt like a grade card of sorts for me. Depending on how things were trending, I was either failing or failing miserably. I couldn't feel anything but shortcomings and shortfalls. Even if things were good, my mind would bend toward the unsustainability of it all, leading to my eventual demise. I'm a leader, so I have to think about spreadsheets and to lead in such a way that things are solvent and sustainable, but again, I took things to heart in such unhealthy ways and I was unable to see God's blessings though they were teeming all around me. I can separate myself these days so much easier from the numbing nature of numbers. It's so freeing.
- I trust God more. I know that sounds so trite, but I don't know how else to say it. I thought I trusted God, but looking back, I was seeking a control of things that are simply unknowns and unknowables to be approached with faith in God. I didn't like faith, I wanted certainty and clarity...so my bent was to "make things happen" if they weren't happening and my threshold of 'waiting on God' was little to nil. This posture of 'playing god' is self-destructive because we aren't meant to take that place or platform. Enthroning God and dethroning myself has been such a relief. Words can't express the peace that accompanies trusting God.
- I have reclaimed my passion for nature. I have spent more time in the woods in the last year than the 5 years prior. I have been cutting wood and reveling in that pastime that I used to enjoy with my father when I was a boy. I have been climbing trees, taking walks, soaking in the beauty of sunrises and sunsets, and sitting by the creek behind my house. The sights, smells, and sounds of nature oxygenate my heart...it's staggering the nutrients that are poured into my soul when I spend time in God's creation and let it get to me.
- I have found my love for God's Word and for people restored with a fearsome force. After 21 years of ministry my love for my calling was being called into question, mostly by my own heart, and the Sabbatical put those questions to rest as I felt the rush of my passion for ministry return. It's easy to wonder if you love God, His Word, and people or if you only feign those things because it's your job...there was some doubt there that was cast out of me as I felt the Jesus "restore to me the joy of my salvation" as well as the "joy of my calling'.
Those are some things that come to mind this morning. I'm sure there are so many more things that were altered over the past year due to my Sabbatical, but these are key transformations. Even to write them down this morning on my day off feels cathartic, cleansing. It reminds me that I'm a child of God, he loves me deeply, and that I don't work for his approval, I work from it.
As God my Father spoke so clearly into my heart this time last year, I still hear his voice today...
"You're my boy and you're a good boy."
I live out of that place now and it's changed everything.
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