The long-term effects of legalism...
I was raised in a legalistic church. That is not to say that there were no loving people, there were, but I'm not sure even those loving people understood that so much of their belief system and world view was conceived in fundamentalism. They're called the 'fightin' fundies' for a reason.
What's confusing to the heart is the conservatism and fundamentalism is actually filled with truth that shouldn't be discarded, baby with bathwater. I'm not liberal or progressive as it relates to doctrine...I believe in the tenants of truth that I was taught to believe...I see those precepts in the Scripture and I'm bound to the Bible with all my being. So this isn't a post about casting off all bonds and crucifying convictions. I believe in deep conviction, but I believe conviction couldn't be further from shame...and this is where legalism creeps in.
The vestiges of legalism still remain under the ash like cooling coals.
I still feel like I'm never doing enough to please God.
I don't have a high view of myself for fear that it steals God's glory.
I tend to look at the world as either in or out, the ones who get it and the ones who don't.
I find myself writing people off when they make bad decisions.
I tend to believe that bad things are happening because of sin in my life or a lack of faith.
I am pestered by guilt and shame telling me that I'm not behaving quite right.
I am scared that I'm being deceived and that my freedom is the result of a seared conscience.
I am petrified of getting caught even when I can't think of anything I've done wrong.
I don't give myself grace or mercy when I fail. I want to reap what I've sown.
I struggle to celebrate my victories and to think well of myself.
I wonder if feeling good is fleshly and question things when I'm enjoying something.
I find myself feeling like God is pleased when I'm not, and vice versa.
I can judge people based on their externals for the good or bad, knowing nothing of their heart.
I speak often of original depravity and very little about the original glory that proceeded it.
I don't celebrate the image of God in humans as much as the fallenness of humanity.
I feel like I'm going to get judged or punished for my sins of omission or commission.
I am driven by fear of judgement and not by God's unmerited, unconditional love.
I picture the judgement seat of Christ and shutter at the thought of seeing God.
I am not kind to myself in my thoughts, I'm actually cruel and unforgiving to my soul.
I am prone to hide for fear of being exposed and excommunicated from the assembly.
I will also be plagued with pride that I'm right and others are wrong even thought I feel worthless.
I am constantly wanting human affirmation and approval in order to feel like I have God's.
I tend to think "narrow is the way and few there be that find it" in an effort to explain my ineffectiveness.
I also will also think "broad is the way and many there be that find it" to create an internal fear of effectiveness thinking it's a ploy of popularity.
I deal with internal anger that is covered by strict compliance and obedience on the external level.
I feel like God loves me more when I'm good and less when I'm bad.
I am hounded and haunted by condemnation in my mind telling me that I'm not measuring up.
I am afraid of the world and its cunning agenda to contaminate me.
I feel safety in the four walls of the church and form an us vs. them mentality, battle is the metaphor.
I'm in a defensive posture trying to hold the line of doctrine instead of living out the virtues of Christ.
I tend to focus on "not sinning" more than "living in freedom". I'm known for what I don't do.
I change based on a gospel of pressure, not a gospel of power. They both feel the same...they're not.
I want to see that what I'm doing is producing results...if is isn't, I think something is wrong with me.
I can easily focus on head-knowledge instead of heart-knowledge.
I can offer love/approval based on someone's performance...the carrot to get them to comply.
I treat people the way I treat myself, if I'm harsh with myself, I'm usually harsh with others.
I get so focused on other people that I forget about myself...what I enjoy or don't enjoy.
I begin to judge my own success based on outward signs of fruitfulness instead of faithfulness.
I can't acknowledge nor articulate what I enjoy, what I like. I lose my own heart's joy. I call this dying to self when it's actually myself dying.
I believe this dying to self and denying of self is part of what brings God glory. No pain, no gain kind of Christianity.
I love the Word of God more than the God of the Word. It's a subtle shift.
I am love-starved at the soul-level. I lose my worth in Christ and to Christ...the idea that he loves me because He is love, not because I'm lovable.
I could drone on and on...but these feelings and thoughts die hard. Thankfully I don't feel all these all the time, but I feel some of these some of the time. Even with all that I know now, these are defaults set up in my system preferences that go all the way back to my upbringing. But it's not just my background, I belief this is the religion of Satan meant to steal, kill, and destroy the hearts of people who really long to love and be loved by Jesus. He mixes doctrine and dung and toys with our hearts. He creates a close counterfeit Christianity infected with a vile virus. It's a low grade virus so we can live with it, but the free and healthy life that we long for alludes us. As years pass by our hearts become sicker and sicker under this religion of law-based approval. We can never earn or deserve the love of God in our own efforts and inside we can feel it. But grace feels cheap and easy. Grace feels like a copout. But grace is the key to love being received and given.
Love and Legalism duke it out. Love tries to convince us that we are the righteousness of Christ by grace through faith. Legalism keeps telling us that we shouldn't take God's grace for granted and to strive to live up to the love we've been shown and to which we owe something in return. It's partially true, but if we can't earn it yet owe something for it after we receive it...how is that different? You can't receive it by grace and then retain it by grit. That's insanity.
So today I lean into God's grace with all that is within me. He is my righteousness and my advocate. He is my propitiation and my portion. He is my pure provision...completely sufficient even and especially when I'm not. That is so comforting.
What's confusing to the heart is the conservatism and fundamentalism is actually filled with truth that shouldn't be discarded, baby with bathwater. I'm not liberal or progressive as it relates to doctrine...I believe in the tenants of truth that I was taught to believe...I see those precepts in the Scripture and I'm bound to the Bible with all my being. So this isn't a post about casting off all bonds and crucifying convictions. I believe in deep conviction, but I believe conviction couldn't be further from shame...and this is where legalism creeps in.
The vestiges of legalism still remain under the ash like cooling coals.
I still feel like I'm never doing enough to please God.
I don't have a high view of myself for fear that it steals God's glory.
I tend to look at the world as either in or out, the ones who get it and the ones who don't.
I find myself writing people off when they make bad decisions.
I tend to believe that bad things are happening because of sin in my life or a lack of faith.
I am pestered by guilt and shame telling me that I'm not behaving quite right.
I am scared that I'm being deceived and that my freedom is the result of a seared conscience.
I am petrified of getting caught even when I can't think of anything I've done wrong.
I don't give myself grace or mercy when I fail. I want to reap what I've sown.
I struggle to celebrate my victories and to think well of myself.
I wonder if feeling good is fleshly and question things when I'm enjoying something.
I find myself feeling like God is pleased when I'm not, and vice versa.
I can judge people based on their externals for the good or bad, knowing nothing of their heart.
I speak often of original depravity and very little about the original glory that proceeded it.
I don't celebrate the image of God in humans as much as the fallenness of humanity.
I feel like I'm going to get judged or punished for my sins of omission or commission.
I am driven by fear of judgement and not by God's unmerited, unconditional love.
I picture the judgement seat of Christ and shutter at the thought of seeing God.
I am not kind to myself in my thoughts, I'm actually cruel and unforgiving to my soul.
I am prone to hide for fear of being exposed and excommunicated from the assembly.
I will also be plagued with pride that I'm right and others are wrong even thought I feel worthless.
I am constantly wanting human affirmation and approval in order to feel like I have God's.
I tend to think "narrow is the way and few there be that find it" in an effort to explain my ineffectiveness.
I also will also think "broad is the way and many there be that find it" to create an internal fear of effectiveness thinking it's a ploy of popularity.
I deal with internal anger that is covered by strict compliance and obedience on the external level.
I feel like God loves me more when I'm good and less when I'm bad.
I am hounded and haunted by condemnation in my mind telling me that I'm not measuring up.
I am afraid of the world and its cunning agenda to contaminate me.
I feel safety in the four walls of the church and form an us vs. them mentality, battle is the metaphor.
I'm in a defensive posture trying to hold the line of doctrine instead of living out the virtues of Christ.
I tend to focus on "not sinning" more than "living in freedom". I'm known for what I don't do.
I change based on a gospel of pressure, not a gospel of power. They both feel the same...they're not.
I want to see that what I'm doing is producing results...if is isn't, I think something is wrong with me.
I can easily focus on head-knowledge instead of heart-knowledge.
I can offer love/approval based on someone's performance...the carrot to get them to comply.
I treat people the way I treat myself, if I'm harsh with myself, I'm usually harsh with others.
I get so focused on other people that I forget about myself...what I enjoy or don't enjoy.
I begin to judge my own success based on outward signs of fruitfulness instead of faithfulness.
I can't acknowledge nor articulate what I enjoy, what I like. I lose my own heart's joy. I call this dying to self when it's actually myself dying.
I believe this dying to self and denying of self is part of what brings God glory. No pain, no gain kind of Christianity.
I love the Word of God more than the God of the Word. It's a subtle shift.
I am love-starved at the soul-level. I lose my worth in Christ and to Christ...the idea that he loves me because He is love, not because I'm lovable.
I could drone on and on...but these feelings and thoughts die hard. Thankfully I don't feel all these all the time, but I feel some of these some of the time. Even with all that I know now, these are defaults set up in my system preferences that go all the way back to my upbringing. But it's not just my background, I belief this is the religion of Satan meant to steal, kill, and destroy the hearts of people who really long to love and be loved by Jesus. He mixes doctrine and dung and toys with our hearts. He creates a close counterfeit Christianity infected with a vile virus. It's a low grade virus so we can live with it, but the free and healthy life that we long for alludes us. As years pass by our hearts become sicker and sicker under this religion of law-based approval. We can never earn or deserve the love of God in our own efforts and inside we can feel it. But grace feels cheap and easy. Grace feels like a copout. But grace is the key to love being received and given.
Love and Legalism duke it out. Love tries to convince us that we are the righteousness of Christ by grace through faith. Legalism keeps telling us that we shouldn't take God's grace for granted and to strive to live up to the love we've been shown and to which we owe something in return. It's partially true, but if we can't earn it yet owe something for it after we receive it...how is that different? You can't receive it by grace and then retain it by grit. That's insanity.
So today I lean into God's grace with all that is within me. He is my righteousness and my advocate. He is my propitiation and my portion. He is my pure provision...completely sufficient even and especially when I'm not. That is so comforting.
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