"I want to be closer to you."
I was driving to work yesterday. Typically I take Tay to school each morning and because she has shifted semesters, she is going with her sister to the High School for a class. So I was all alone as I headed to town.
The absence of her presence caused me to wonder about our relationship.
I felt like some strange distance had come between us. It's hard to say exactly what is causing it or why it exists, it's just there. In my mind I envisioned myself writing her a letter and saying...
"I want to be closer to you."
I would fill in the letter with more before and after that sentiment, but that would be the core desire I shared. However, I don't want to make her feel guilty or pressured in any way. She is just the kind of old soul that will feel like she isn't pleasing me with her performance as my child, which I hate. It's just that thing that makes me feel like she won't relax into our relationship.
There is some tightness, some reservation or hesitation, some awkward reality that stands as a barrier between us. It's like a self-consciousness that makes her measured in her answers to my questions, almost like I'm interrogating her when I'm simply inquiring of her soul.
When I give her a hug her muscles are taut and I can tell she wants to pull away as quickly as she can. I almost always have to go to her and initiate connection of any kind. Increasingly it feels as though she could live without my contact altogether. I know this may not be true, but it's a feeling I get as I sense her discomfort with interaction or at the very least her distraction and distance that keeps her occupied so she doesn't have to engage in social settings as frequently.
She doesn't ask me to come to lay with her in bed anymore or to pray with her. She is content with just saying goodnight (or to not say goodnight at all). She could leave and go to a friends house overnight without saying goodbye and when she gets home after being gone for over a day or two it's like she's been gone a minute, walking into the house and right on by me like she was never gone. I could go for a conference and come home after 4 days and it doesn't seem like she's missed me or thought about my absence at all. I walk into the house and I have to go up to her and say, "Hey, so how are you?" to which she will respond, "Good." I feel like saying, "Hey, I don't know if you noticed but I haven't been around for days on end." It's a little funny, but on the other hand, I want to be close to her. I want to keep missing her and I want her to keep missing me.
I don't want either of us to get used to not needing, missing, or loving each other in tangible ways. I know it's the teenage years and there can easily be a separation and independence that happens, but I don't want to let it just turn our relationship into something thoughtless and non-existent, where we occupy the same house, but don't really connect on a heart level. I love her with all my heart and somehow I want that to translate into natural action and emotions. It feels like something is at risk and that I need to move toward the space between us with careful affection.
I'm praying that God will give me wisdom as a dad to just simply let her know that I love her and that I want to be closer to her. To not make her feel burdened under my expectations or for her to perform out of legalistic love...which is mechanical at best. I want her to feel free in all aspects of her life and as her father, I want to be a firm foundation that gives her a security and identity that makes all facets of her life more alive and free.
"God, help me to be the father Tay needs. I don't want her to be anyone else but who she is. I don't want her to be Kami or Aly, I want her to be Taylor. Show me how to father her so that she functions from her "best self". Guard her heart from the attacks of the enemy and let our relationship blossom in the years to come. I want to be close to her so badly...that is my deep heart."
The absence of her presence caused me to wonder about our relationship.
I felt like some strange distance had come between us. It's hard to say exactly what is causing it or why it exists, it's just there. In my mind I envisioned myself writing her a letter and saying...
"I want to be closer to you."
I would fill in the letter with more before and after that sentiment, but that would be the core desire I shared. However, I don't want to make her feel guilty or pressured in any way. She is just the kind of old soul that will feel like she isn't pleasing me with her performance as my child, which I hate. It's just that thing that makes me feel like she won't relax into our relationship.
There is some tightness, some reservation or hesitation, some awkward reality that stands as a barrier between us. It's like a self-consciousness that makes her measured in her answers to my questions, almost like I'm interrogating her when I'm simply inquiring of her soul.
When I give her a hug her muscles are taut and I can tell she wants to pull away as quickly as she can. I almost always have to go to her and initiate connection of any kind. Increasingly it feels as though she could live without my contact altogether. I know this may not be true, but it's a feeling I get as I sense her discomfort with interaction or at the very least her distraction and distance that keeps her occupied so she doesn't have to engage in social settings as frequently.
She doesn't ask me to come to lay with her in bed anymore or to pray with her. She is content with just saying goodnight (or to not say goodnight at all). She could leave and go to a friends house overnight without saying goodbye and when she gets home after being gone for over a day or two it's like she's been gone a minute, walking into the house and right on by me like she was never gone. I could go for a conference and come home after 4 days and it doesn't seem like she's missed me or thought about my absence at all. I walk into the house and I have to go up to her and say, "Hey, so how are you?" to which she will respond, "Good." I feel like saying, "Hey, I don't know if you noticed but I haven't been around for days on end." It's a little funny, but on the other hand, I want to be close to her. I want to keep missing her and I want her to keep missing me.
I don't want either of us to get used to not needing, missing, or loving each other in tangible ways. I know it's the teenage years and there can easily be a separation and independence that happens, but I don't want to let it just turn our relationship into something thoughtless and non-existent, where we occupy the same house, but don't really connect on a heart level. I love her with all my heart and somehow I want that to translate into natural action and emotions. It feels like something is at risk and that I need to move toward the space between us with careful affection.
I'm praying that God will give me wisdom as a dad to just simply let her know that I love her and that I want to be closer to her. To not make her feel burdened under my expectations or for her to perform out of legalistic love...which is mechanical at best. I want her to feel free in all aspects of her life and as her father, I want to be a firm foundation that gives her a security and identity that makes all facets of her life more alive and free.
"God, help me to be the father Tay needs. I don't want her to be anyone else but who she is. I don't want her to be Kami or Aly, I want her to be Taylor. Show me how to father her so that she functions from her "best self". Guard her heart from the attacks of the enemy and let our relationship blossom in the years to come. I want to be close to her so badly...that is my deep heart."
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