Confessing Pornography and the Grace of my Girls...
This weekend Heidi and I spoke on marriage, sexuality, romance, temptation, and basically how to affair-proof your marriage in a day when it seems very few make it the distance. The conversation was raw, the content down-to-earth. It wasn't graphic, but it was frank...painfully direct in certain moments. But we are talking about God's Word here...it's not a book for the faint of heart.
Listening to Heidi speak with such conviction and clarity about how these issues impact women and calling women to obedience and truth and surrender was a thing of beauty to watch. I've heard her speak, but never with such passion and precision. I told her so. She said that it's not an easy thing to talk about, but that she has such a strength of feeling about how needed the conversation is for so many. We have both watched so many casualties of war, she more than I. So many of her friends have fallen prey to the Enemy's schemes and there are points when she felt she should have followed God's Spirit and intervened, but thought, "It's none of my business or I don't want to be judgmental." Looking back, she wishes she would have...affairs and divorces may have been prevented. May have...there's not way to know for sure.
But probably the hardest part of the service for me was sharing a story from about 4 years ago where I clicked on a link in my email that took me to a pornographic video and instead of clicking off, I lingered and my curiosity held me hostage. It went from temptation to lust to sin. I was sharing with the congregation that Heidi ironically asked me (like she often does) if I had seen anything online lately or was struggling with lust. I knew I couldn't lie and fall into hidden sin again, but I paused knowing the hurt that it would cause her heart. She was pained, but also very compassionate with my heart that day...she has been used by God to change my narrative of confession from "get ready to get beat down" to "get ready to feel my pain but to be shown grace and truth"...it's been critical to healing from settings of judgement, punishment, guilt, and condemnation from my past that only causes me to go more underground with my issues making them worse.
I knew that I had already covered this with her years ago, but I felt it necessary to speak to my girls before the weekend so they weren't hearing it in church for the first time. We have always been very honest with each other about sin, weakness, and even embarrassing decisions, so I thought it would be more of a blow-by conversation to let them know what I was going to share with the church, but it didn't take long on the phone with Kami to know that it was going to be so much more, so much deeper than that. It was confession and based on her somewhat shocked response, I could tell she had never considered that I had ever done anything like that. As I sought to find words to share the story my voice trembled and my heart felt the butterflies of nervousness. As she silently listened, I began to break down and cry as I asked for her forgiveness for letting the Enemy into our house and not standing guard as her father. She was kind in her response and offered forgiveness, but I could still tell that it affected her picture of me. I do, however, remember that before we got off the phone that she said, "Dad, that's what people love about you. You don't sit on a pedestal above people, you are human and open. And they are drawn to your vulnerability." We talked a little more and then got off the phone. Immediately, I knew that this wasn't going to be a weekend like I had played it out to be in my head.
That afternoon, I gathered Aly and Tay together to share with them as well and I felt all the same feelings all over again. The words I used were shameful and embarrassing...I felt those feelings so deeply as I shared with my teenage daughters about this insidious sin in my life and the particular incident where I gave into it. Tay was more quiet, processing what I was sharing while Aly was more vocal in her encouragement and mercy. Aly has shared her own story so openly with us, so I think it didn't hit her with quite the same force that it did the others, but she still was trying to come to grips with her father falling to the sin of pornography and lust. I asked for their forgiveness as the weight of what I had done increased upon my unsuspecting heart. I say unsuspecting because I honestly felt like I would just run it past them and move onto the weekend to share with the church, but it didn't flow like that. I walked into Saturday Night disoriented and honestly questioning whether I wanted to share the story with the whole church. There was a war within. I knew that I had talked with Ryan, my Executive Pastor, and with Chris, my District Superintendent, all those years ago, but the reality of how it hit my daughters made it feel like it just happened recently...that caught me off guard.
Heidi and I shared openly about so many thing from I Cor. 6 and I Cor. 7 and did our best to share God's heart for Christ-followers when it comes to this powerful and beautiful gift that God gave us to enjoy when used within his design and desire (marriage). But it has been enjoyed and it has destroyed...such it is with anything God gives us that possesses so much potency for evil or good. If Heidi and I just shared ideas and principles from God's Word, we would have been all good. But when it came time to share my sin and confess it publicly, my gut wrenched and my eyes filled with tears. My head went down and my heart sunk in embarrassment.
The last of 4 services was the one our girls were at and that was the hardest one. As I began to share the story again, I caught their eyes filled with tears and it broke me. I took time in the service to address them and ask for their forgiveness in the presence of the whole church. I admitted my failure to stand guard over our home letting in the Enemy. I take this stuff pretty seriously and when it comes to my sin infecting my home or leaving my home vulnerable to Satan's attack, I am pretty ruthless about seeking to prevent that and fight off his assault.
With tear-filled eyes, they forgave me from the 4th row as they say next to their friends. Heidi was up there crying with me and the church was crying as the moment seized us all. We moved on in our message and finished up, but honestly, my heart was still trapped in the moment of my confession and the looks on my daughter's faces. Not looks of hatred, shame, or disappointment...but looks of sadness, compassion, and heartache. This is why the end of the service was so extraordinary...
I dismissed everyone, and my daughters came forward and with tears in their eyes wrapped their arms around me and I hugged them for several minutes as we talked about what had just happened. I asked them what they felt and they shared that they were glad that I shared and felt that it was so good that people hear honestly from my heart. It hit me how amazing it is to have a family that lets me use illustrations from our home to help people feel normal and related to. I told them that I'm grateful that they've always let me share the ups and downs of our family so that people could identify with us and with God. They agreed and we just stayed up front as I sat on the stool and they wrapped their arms around me eventually joined by Heidi as she finished up a couple conversations. It was our moment...instead of people lining up to talk to me, my family was up front rallying around each other and everyone else seemed to honor that 'cause it wasn't like a lot of people stood around waiting for me after we went our separate ways. I will never forget that moment of healing and and solidarity.
Later that night, Kami said she watched the service online and said that she thought it went well. She also wanted to explain her being quiet on the phone when I shared with her. She shared that she was just shocked and didn't know what to say. She went on to say that she had never thought that I would do something like that since she saw me as somewhat perfect. Again, I felt the weight of losing that position of respect, which is pride, really. I told her that pride has to fall and honesty has to kill it, and though it pains me to share, I never want her or any of our children to feel like secrecy and hiddenness is the best path to take when sin creeps in. We had a great exchange and she reiterated that she forgave me and was proud of me. Though I felt buoyed by her words, I still feel my heart reeling from the events of the last couple days. I feel like I was buzz-sawed in half 7 different times as I shared over and over the story of my sin. It's not a good feeling, and it shouldn't be, I suppose.
All I know is that "love covers over a multitude of sins" and I felt covered by the grace of my girls (wife and daughters). I don't know how others were affected this weekend, but I know that my family went on a journey that drew us closer together. James says to "confess your sins to each other to be healed" and it's actually true. Healing comes from revealing, not concealing.
I'm still trying to process all that took place...I'm not through it, but I'm still working through it. This me processing and working through it.
Listening to Heidi speak with such conviction and clarity about how these issues impact women and calling women to obedience and truth and surrender was a thing of beauty to watch. I've heard her speak, but never with such passion and precision. I told her so. She said that it's not an easy thing to talk about, but that she has such a strength of feeling about how needed the conversation is for so many. We have both watched so many casualties of war, she more than I. So many of her friends have fallen prey to the Enemy's schemes and there are points when she felt she should have followed God's Spirit and intervened, but thought, "It's none of my business or I don't want to be judgmental." Looking back, she wishes she would have...affairs and divorces may have been prevented. May have...there's not way to know for sure.
But probably the hardest part of the service for me was sharing a story from about 4 years ago where I clicked on a link in my email that took me to a pornographic video and instead of clicking off, I lingered and my curiosity held me hostage. It went from temptation to lust to sin. I was sharing with the congregation that Heidi ironically asked me (like she often does) if I had seen anything online lately or was struggling with lust. I knew I couldn't lie and fall into hidden sin again, but I paused knowing the hurt that it would cause her heart. She was pained, but also very compassionate with my heart that day...she has been used by God to change my narrative of confession from "get ready to get beat down" to "get ready to feel my pain but to be shown grace and truth"...it's been critical to healing from settings of judgement, punishment, guilt, and condemnation from my past that only causes me to go more underground with my issues making them worse.
I knew that I had already covered this with her years ago, but I felt it necessary to speak to my girls before the weekend so they weren't hearing it in church for the first time. We have always been very honest with each other about sin, weakness, and even embarrassing decisions, so I thought it would be more of a blow-by conversation to let them know what I was going to share with the church, but it didn't take long on the phone with Kami to know that it was going to be so much more, so much deeper than that. It was confession and based on her somewhat shocked response, I could tell she had never considered that I had ever done anything like that. As I sought to find words to share the story my voice trembled and my heart felt the butterflies of nervousness. As she silently listened, I began to break down and cry as I asked for her forgiveness for letting the Enemy into our house and not standing guard as her father. She was kind in her response and offered forgiveness, but I could still tell that it affected her picture of me. I do, however, remember that before we got off the phone that she said, "Dad, that's what people love about you. You don't sit on a pedestal above people, you are human and open. And they are drawn to your vulnerability." We talked a little more and then got off the phone. Immediately, I knew that this wasn't going to be a weekend like I had played it out to be in my head.
That afternoon, I gathered Aly and Tay together to share with them as well and I felt all the same feelings all over again. The words I used were shameful and embarrassing...I felt those feelings so deeply as I shared with my teenage daughters about this insidious sin in my life and the particular incident where I gave into it. Tay was more quiet, processing what I was sharing while Aly was more vocal in her encouragement and mercy. Aly has shared her own story so openly with us, so I think it didn't hit her with quite the same force that it did the others, but she still was trying to come to grips with her father falling to the sin of pornography and lust. I asked for their forgiveness as the weight of what I had done increased upon my unsuspecting heart. I say unsuspecting because I honestly felt like I would just run it past them and move onto the weekend to share with the church, but it didn't flow like that. I walked into Saturday Night disoriented and honestly questioning whether I wanted to share the story with the whole church. There was a war within. I knew that I had talked with Ryan, my Executive Pastor, and with Chris, my District Superintendent, all those years ago, but the reality of how it hit my daughters made it feel like it just happened recently...that caught me off guard.
Heidi and I shared openly about so many thing from I Cor. 6 and I Cor. 7 and did our best to share God's heart for Christ-followers when it comes to this powerful and beautiful gift that God gave us to enjoy when used within his design and desire (marriage). But it has been enjoyed and it has destroyed...such it is with anything God gives us that possesses so much potency for evil or good. If Heidi and I just shared ideas and principles from God's Word, we would have been all good. But when it came time to share my sin and confess it publicly, my gut wrenched and my eyes filled with tears. My head went down and my heart sunk in embarrassment.
The last of 4 services was the one our girls were at and that was the hardest one. As I began to share the story again, I caught their eyes filled with tears and it broke me. I took time in the service to address them and ask for their forgiveness in the presence of the whole church. I admitted my failure to stand guard over our home letting in the Enemy. I take this stuff pretty seriously and when it comes to my sin infecting my home or leaving my home vulnerable to Satan's attack, I am pretty ruthless about seeking to prevent that and fight off his assault.
With tear-filled eyes, they forgave me from the 4th row as they say next to their friends. Heidi was up there crying with me and the church was crying as the moment seized us all. We moved on in our message and finished up, but honestly, my heart was still trapped in the moment of my confession and the looks on my daughter's faces. Not looks of hatred, shame, or disappointment...but looks of sadness, compassion, and heartache. This is why the end of the service was so extraordinary...
I dismissed everyone, and my daughters came forward and with tears in their eyes wrapped their arms around me and I hugged them for several minutes as we talked about what had just happened. I asked them what they felt and they shared that they were glad that I shared and felt that it was so good that people hear honestly from my heart. It hit me how amazing it is to have a family that lets me use illustrations from our home to help people feel normal and related to. I told them that I'm grateful that they've always let me share the ups and downs of our family so that people could identify with us and with God. They agreed and we just stayed up front as I sat on the stool and they wrapped their arms around me eventually joined by Heidi as she finished up a couple conversations. It was our moment...instead of people lining up to talk to me, my family was up front rallying around each other and everyone else seemed to honor that 'cause it wasn't like a lot of people stood around waiting for me after we went our separate ways. I will never forget that moment of healing and and solidarity.
Later that night, Kami said she watched the service online and said that she thought it went well. She also wanted to explain her being quiet on the phone when I shared with her. She shared that she was just shocked and didn't know what to say. She went on to say that she had never thought that I would do something like that since she saw me as somewhat perfect. Again, I felt the weight of losing that position of respect, which is pride, really. I told her that pride has to fall and honesty has to kill it, and though it pains me to share, I never want her or any of our children to feel like secrecy and hiddenness is the best path to take when sin creeps in. We had a great exchange and she reiterated that she forgave me and was proud of me. Though I felt buoyed by her words, I still feel my heart reeling from the events of the last couple days. I feel like I was buzz-sawed in half 7 different times as I shared over and over the story of my sin. It's not a good feeling, and it shouldn't be, I suppose.
All I know is that "love covers over a multitude of sins" and I felt covered by the grace of my girls (wife and daughters). I don't know how others were affected this weekend, but I know that my family went on a journey that drew us closer together. James says to "confess your sins to each other to be healed" and it's actually true. Healing comes from revealing, not concealing.
I'm still trying to process all that took place...I'm not through it, but I'm still working through it. This me processing and working through it.
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