The building campaign is over…

Of course we still have to build the building and people have to make good on their 3-year pledges, but at midnight last night the yearlong 3.5 million dollar matching grant ended.  At the stroke of midnight all my efforts and exertions were left on the field.  The marshalling of the troops, the casting of vision, the circulation of story to inspire the warriors, the mental constructions and personal conversations centered around reaching our 3.5 million dollar goal…all that…it ceased.  Tetelestai.  “It is finished.”  I felt that acutely at midnight as I watched my iPhone flash the number 12:00am.  It was like I was released.  Muscles loosened that were taut with poise.  Relaxation came over me.  I was done and undone in every good way.

This campaign started almost 2 years ago.  From the plane ride south in January of 2016 to meet with our Kingdom donors up to last night, there have been phases and stages and strategies and executions and objectives and mile-markers and checkpoints…small steps and huge leaps.  Consultants, Engineers, Church Health Assessors, Campaign Coaches, Trusted Advisors, Team meetings galore, Elder meetings, Executive Team huddles, One on One’s, Dessert Nights, Volunteer ministry gatherings, Town Hall meetings, Information Meetings, Publications, Renderings, Letters, emails, Facebook Updates, Cold calls, Networking, Dream sharing, Scary asks, Gifts-in-kind, Sermons series’, Life Groups curriculum created, Key Leader’s Sacrificial Giving Night, Pledge Weekend, One-time Sacrificial Gift weekend, Celebration Weekend, the Through the Roof Mini-series, spreadsheets, timelines and bottomlines and deadlines.  It’s been 22 months of almost non-stop tornado chasing…adventurous and arduous.

I have never faced so many cliff-hangers.  So many fears that felt as though they were going to expel themselves from under my chest cavity.  So many miracles that were like shots of adrenaline from Heaven above.  So many whispers reminding me of the consequences of failure and so many moments when God emboldened and embattled me for the task at hand…his voice saying, “Do it afraid, Jason. Do it afraid.”  I felt a confidence in the solidarity of my comrades and the belief I felt God had in me.  I know that sounds odd, but I believed that God believed in me.  That he called me to do this and whether or not I felt I was ready was immaterial.  I never felt ready, I just felt like God showed up so very clearly that there wasn’t the possibility that I was making it all up and that I had to play make believe with my own psyche.  I knew what God had called me to lead and, furthermore, I knew that I would be disobedient if I didn’t act on his risky invitation.  There were days when I felt thin and fatigued where the knowledge of those core thoughts lifted me to my feet and filled my lungs with the oxygen I needed to forge ahead.  I would tell myself, “Don’t think so far into the future, Jason, just think about what you need to do today and boldly do that.”  And I did.  It was all a step by step thing.  It felt overwhelming to think of the macro-view…I would feel calmed when I trusted the process instead of ‘forcing progress’.  Micro-moments…nano-seconds…baby steps.  Do the next right thing.  That’s all I could wrap my head around.  If I would widen my gaze too much, I would seize with fright.  I would just blank out and lose all my faculties.  Over and Over again, I would get ahold of myself and bring myself back to the next box to check, and somehow that would orient me again…it felt possible in those moments where too much thought would make it all feel completely impossible. 

Insecurity and inadequacy followed me around like stray dogs.  I talked to myself more in the last two years than the first 41 combined.  I carried on long conversations with my soul, God, and the Devil…sometimes all three at the same time as if we were sitting around a table fighting for our voices to be heard.  More than anything, I wanted to hear and follow God’s voice…but to be honest, certain moments I couldn’t distinguish between the voices…they all sounded believable and unbelievable from moment to moment.  But it was this fight for alignment and orientation that proved to be the key to my survival.  I learned the art of engaging spiritual dialogue in a way that led to practical decision making.

‘Cause you have to make decisions.  You can only dwell in deliberations for so long before you simply have to pull the trigger and make needed decisions.  But I can honestly say the bulk of the decisions were vetted with lots of internal dialogue with my soul, God, trusted friends, and Satan.  I’m not saying Satan was invited to the decision-making table, he would invite himself and take a seat at the table all on his own, but his voice was important in making decisions.  When I could hear his tone and temperament, it would actually cause me to react against him which drove me to do some things I wouldn’t have done for any other reason than to make him mad…to drive him batty.  I would be bold just to prove to him that he couldn’t control me with fear.  I’d “go after” something simply to spite him and to show him that I could do the very thing he was telling me I could never and would never do.  His voice was critical in driving me toward the goal.  I’m competitive…so I like winning.  And sometimes beating the enemy is as motivating as accomplishing an noble purpose.  But anyway…

So this is Day #1 of life after the Great Project.  I believe we built the walls and hung the gates to the best of our ability…now God has to bring it to ultimate completion so that we can inhabit the dream…the materials have been assembled, now the immaterial and imperishable and immortal aspects of the project must be built by God.  We can build a building, but he has been explicit, “I will build my church.”  We can raise funds and erect edifices, but he is the church-builder.  I need him to keep doing that.  I need for him to know I need him.  I don’t think anything that has been done thus far was without his superintendence and sovereign direction and protection, and it certainly won’t go anywhere worth going without him from here.  So I press into him with more zeal, desperate as ever, urgent as I’ll ever be.  His centering presence has brought us this far and that very same presence will carry us onward until we see Him face to face.

I’m just taking a moment to thank God for the journey today.  His faithfulness and enabling strength.  I love you, Jesus.  It’s all for you.