Mixed emotions...

Ezekiel 3:14 – The Spirit then lifted me up and took me away, and I went in bitterness and in the anger of my spirit, with the strong hand of the LORD on me.

Ever since I read this passage several years back I’ve been intrigued by its paradoxical nature.  I suppose I gravitate towards it because I understand it though I can’t explain it.  I know what it’s like to feel God’s Spirit lifting me up, His strong hand on me, while at the same time feeling the toxicity of bitterness and anger coursing through my veins. 

If someone asked me how I was doing, my response would depend on the particular moment I was in.  When I’m concurrently feeling overwhelmed by God’s love and the impossible task in front of me, I don’t know how to reconcile my emotions.  Imagine for a moment what it would feel like to ask someone how they’re doing and have them respond…

“I feel God’s Spirit lifting me up and His strong hand on me, but the bitterness and anger in my spirit is making it hard to follow him right now.”

So which is it?  Both?  Really?

I feel it’s important to normalize this tension.  To not just normalize it, but to begin anticipating it and processing it well so that it doesn’t leave us indifferent and indecisive.  If you didn’t have a category for this reality, it would be easy to do nothing until you felt a clearing on the coast.  To wait for the fog to lift before you pushed off shore.  But I love that he “went” in spite of the emotional entanglement and the logical incongruence.  I don’t know if was his trust in God or simply his restless frustration that propelled him forward, but he went.  He didn’t wait for perfect peace or crystal clarity.  He stepped out, God’s Spirit wrestling with his spirit.  I get this.

I take great comfort in the fact that God’s hand of strength can accompany my mixed emotions.  I’m grateful that he will lift me up when I don’t feel I have the strength to stand, let alone step.  He helps me to my feet on days when I feel knocked down and then puts his reassuring hand on my shoulder when I feel like I’m not equal to the task.  And even though my inside is less convinced than my outside appears, the Lord is by my side.  His faithfulness as unwavering as it is undeserved.

It’s very humbling how much God has done in and through me while I’ve been a hot mess.  There is no reason I should be blessed as I am.  His faithfulness in my fickleness baffles me.  His belief in me when I don’t even believe in myself has carried me through seasons that would have otherwise paralyzed me. 

So I have no choice--knowing what I know--but to say, “To God be the glory.”